When Our Heroes Fall: #NaBloPoMo Day 10

2016 has been a trying year. We all have lost so many, and so much.

Hillary Clinton is one of my heroes. She has done so much for women and children. To see her fall last night hurt. It was such a huge loss for humanity.

When Hillary lost last night, it felt personal. It felt like every misogynist, boorish, racist fuck came out of the woodwork with the sole intention of putting the rest of us in our place. I spent the morning watching Hillary Clinton concede the presidency, then consoling my co-worker, who was on the phone with family in Mexico, asking if there was room for her. Everyone wants to leave, but what about those of us that do not have that option? Someone has to stay.

When you suddenly realize that you are the adult, you are the leader, suddenly the world seems so heavy. How does one continue in the face of open hatred? Somehow, people do.

In addition to my actual hangover, I am suffering from a deep emotional hangover as well. I feel gutted, empty. The rage that filled me this morning has dissipated, leaving only the resignation that this truly is what the United States is like.

I grew up in a red state, among people who seem so kind, until they vote to rescind your rights. Because you are different. It’s not our president we should be fearing, but the people that put him there. The everyday neighbor that voted for fear, for the oppression of people. It makes me sick.

I am grasping at gratitude, trying to bring myself to have compassion for these people. But there is a time to be angry, to stand up, to reject evil.

In addition to the presidential election, there have been so many other losses this year. 2016 has seen fit to reap so many creative and talented people.

James Stewart was my massage mentor. He touched thousands of people and was one of my favorite people on the planet. I will forever miss sitting in his living room at the Envision House, sipping tea and talking about Carl Jung and dreamwork deep into the dark.

Christopher Allen was my old chorus director. His death came unexpectedly, at least to me. I had not seen him in some time, but he was personally responsible for me joining the chorus when I wanted to leave at the first rehearsal. I was so terrified of the voice test. He could be so snarky, and silly, and he was so full of love. A great talent was lost when we lost Chris this year.

David Bowie was one of my idols. I still can’t even talk about this.

Prince was legendary. See above.

Gene Wilder entertained so many, for so long.

Nicholas/Pumpkin was not only my favorite DJ, he was a good friend to so many I know. His heart reflected love back to the whole world. I will never forget the light that shone from his eyes, straight from his heart.

It is a hazard of growing older, that we live to see so many people we love perish. Death is inevitable, and the only thing that really matters is what we do with the time we have. I want to leave a world full of wonder, light, and love for my daughter.

Right now, I can’t see the light. I know it is there, that darkness and light cannot exist without each other. It is a great comfort that everything is temporary, but I fear for myself and my friends. Not the manufactured fear, but the deep fear and feeling that change is coming and that we are so divided at this point, conflict is a distinct possibility.

This world has seen too much war, too much untimely death. Change starts in our own communities, in our homes, in our hearts. It is a challenge to harbor not hatred but simple tolerance. Let the flames of your anger engulf you, and do not despair. We must stand up and lead; the time for being silent and complacent is over.


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